Devastated

Hello There,

May 20, 2011- The day i find out that i was no longer having a living fetus in me anymore. Just last Friday on May 13th of 2011 i went in for my ultrasound and found out when was i was due and how far i was. And the exciting part was i saw my baby's heart. I didn't think at that small it would develop a heart already, but it sure did. Then i got to bring some baby pictures for the hubby and the rest of the family to see. 

After the ultrasound i started to spot. Then the spotting got heavier and heavier. It got to the point where i was spotting as if i was on my period, it occur to me that it wasn't right spotting this heavy. So i called my nurse asking her if it was okay to spot for almost a week and kind of heavy? She said that some women spot throughout their whole pregnancy so i thought i would be fine since she told me that. Then the next day the blood was real bright read and there was little clots so i called to be checked if there was anything wrong with me and my baby. Got a appointment schedule on Friday May 20, 2011 to see if there was any complications or problems. Went in to get the ultrasound done and i already had a bad feeling about the ultrasound. Right when the nurse stuck the tube in to see if the baby was okay, i notice no heartbeat. And then just last Friday when i went in to see how far i was there it was the little heart flickering and beating telling me i was going to get to hold and see that baby soon. Had so many wonderful thoughts going through my head after that ultrasound. Then the following ultrasound to see if we were both ok, come to find out that my baby was already dead. Didn't see his/her heart beating anymore. The nurse continued on with her work scanning to measure the baby and as she was done, she took the tube she said oh my, that is quite some blood for spotting. And i asked her if everything was ok, she said she was not sure because she didn't see a heartbeat. But she told me that maybe because it was i was still early to see a heartbeat, but then i told her that i saw a little heart moving last week. So she said well let me go run these pictures by your doctor quick and see what she has to say. 

And there it was, the bad news, my doctor told me that my baby didn't make it. She said she doesn't know what happen but what she can tell me is that these things do happen to ladies in their first trimester. 

And right when i left the room i started to fall apart. It hit me so much that i cried so hard and for an hour straight long. I really wanted to have that baby and was hoping to have it in my arms soon. And i know everyone has been telling me that i am young and i still will have more in the future, i and agree and understand that too. But i didn't think that it would happen to me. Me losing my baby when i tried so long for a baby.

I also understand that i am still able to have more kids when i want, but it's just i don't know, i really wanted that baby so bad. When i found out that i was pregnant, it was such good news and so freaking excited. Then 5 weeks later my baby leaves me. I know that my kid is probably in a better place now, but i didn't expect to be so happy and then get crushed so hard in the heart. I was really hoping for a little girl to play with and dress her up with all the cute clothes and hair pins. Unfortunately i didn't get what i want.

And i know that i shouldn't be so down and heartbroken about it but i can't help it. I lost someone that my husband and i created. that someone will live with me no matter what. Everyone has been telling me that i can try again and i know i can, but like i said i thought it was going to be a success pregnancy.

Maybe the baby wasn't meant to be mines.

Goodbye my dear baby...MOMMY LOVES YOU :(:(:(