Saturday, May 21, 2011


Hello There,
May 20, 2011- The day i find out that i was no longer having a living fetus in me anymore. Just last Friday on May 13th of 2011 i went in for my ultrasound and found out when was i was due and how far i was. And the exciting part was i saw my baby's heart. I didn't think at that small it would develop a heart already, but it sure did. Then i got to bring some baby pictures for the hubby and the rest of the family to see. 

After the ultrasound i started to spot. Then the spotting got heavier and heavier. It got to the point where i was spotting as if i was on my period, it occur to me that it wasn't right spotting this heavy. So i called my nurse asking her if it was okay to spot for almost a week and kind of heavy? She said that some women spot throughout their whole pregnancy so i thought i would be fine since she told me that. Then the next day the blood was real bright read and there was little clots so i called to be checked if there was anything wrong with me and my baby. Got a appointment schedule on Friday May 20, 2011 to see if there was any complications or problems. Went in to get the ultrasound done and i already had a bad feeling about the ultrasound. Right when the nurse stuck the tube in to see if the baby was okay, i notice no heartbeat. And then just last Friday when i went in to see how far i was there it was the little heart flickering and beating telling me i was going to get to hold and see that baby soon. Had so many wonderful thoughts going through my head after that ultrasound. Then the following ultrasound to see if we were both ok, come to find out that my baby was already dead. Didn't see his/her heart beating anymore. The nurse continued on with her work scanning to measure the baby and as she was done, she took the tube she said oh my, that is quite some blood for spotting. And i asked her if everything was ok, she said she was not sure because she didn't see a heartbeat. But she told me that maybe because it was i was still early to see a heartbeat, but then i told her that i saw a little heart moving last week. So she said well let me go run these pictures by your doctor quick and see what she has to say. 

And there it was, the bad news, my doctor told me that my baby didn't make it. She said she doesn't know what happen but what she can tell me is that these things do happen to ladies in their first trimester. 

And right when i left the room i started to fall apart. It hit me so much that i cried so hard and for an hour straight long. I really wanted to have that baby and was hoping to have it in my arms soon. And i know everyone has been telling me that i am young and i still will have more in the future, i and agree and understand that too. But i didn't think that it would happen to me. Me losing my baby when i tried so long for a baby.

I also understand that i am still able to have more kids when i want, but it's just i don't know, i really wanted that baby so bad. When i found out that i was pregnant, it was such good news and so freaking excited. Then 5 weeks later my baby leaves me. I know that my kid is probably in a better place now, but i didn't expect to be so happy and then get crushed so hard in the heart. I was really hoping for a little girl to play with and dress her up with all the cute clothes and hair pins. Unfortunately i didn't get what i want.

And i know that i shouldn't be so down and heartbroken about it but i can't help it. I lost someone that my husband and i created. that someone will live with me no matter what. Everyone has been telling me that i can try again and i know i can, but like i said i thought it was going to be a success pregnancy.

Maybe the baby wasn't meant to be mines.

Goodbye my dear baby...MOMMY LOVES YOU :(:(:(

Thursday, January 27, 2011

I Feel So Alone


I am 18 going on 19 soon. I got married at the age of 16 and i know that is a young age to get married at, but it is part of my culture and part of my culture is that we get married early and have kids early. I always told myself that i was not going to get married young and have a kid at a young age. But i can't tell the future...i don't know what the future holds for me nor do i know what my moves/decisions are in the future. At the time when i met my husband i was only 14, i didn't have thoughts that the two of us were going to be married at 16 and 18. I am not saying that i regret getting married my to my husband, just at the time when i got married i was still only a junior in high school, i guess getting married at that young of an age was too much for my so called friends so they decided to stop hanging out with me on top of that stopped talking to me. Made me very sad along with depressed. After only being married for only a few months i found out i was pregnant with my son. As words got out that i was having a baby, people really started to look at me weird and talked about me a lot. And the so called friends make a bigger deal out of it and talked about me even more. That hurt me a lot because i didn't think that my friends would turn their backs on me over some stupid reason like me being married and having a kid. I soon realize who my true friends were and weren't. It turned out to be only my husband that was my one and true friend all this time. 

At the time that i was pregnant with my son, my husband was a senior and i was a junior, it was nice to have him around cause when i was feeling down he was there for me. He soon graduated and i was left alone for my senior year. Going back to school for me was indeed very hard, i went back to school with a really big pregnant belly. Then i had these really immature WHITE GUYS that had always talked about me non stop, also they made fun of me ever since freshman year just because of my race. They would call me a hoe, slut, whore, and other mean things which really hurt me, yet alone i was pregnant so my hormones were already whacked up that with people talking about me 24/7 didn't make things any easier. I didn't really have anyone to share my feelings with nor did i have a friend that i could lean on. The only person that i had from the start till now is my one and only HUSBAND.
But even sometimes he doesn't even understand how i gets so lonely and depressing when i don't have a single friend to hang with and share how i am feeling inside. So what i do is i bottle everything inside of me and cry to myself. 

I never thought that it would ever get this lonely and depressing. I finally have my place of my own and i love it, just i don't have friends to come over to hang out with me and talk and have girl time. All i do now is sit at home all day and night is watch my son and watch the same old movies over and over. It does get very boring but i love my son to death. And he always finds something to make me laugh and enjoy my day. Just sometimes i would really love if i had a special sister or friend that i could hang with when i am down and super bored. 

I just wish i could have my friends back again...but i know that isn't going to happen because i am not cool enough for them anymore since i got married and had a kid. I remember there was this one time that one of the girls i use to hang out with came to see me and my son after coming home from the hospital. Throughout my whole junior year and half most of my senior year, she ignored me and when she heard that my son and i came home from the hospital she pretended to be my my friend again. The thing that made me really mad was she came over to see me and my son and she was all like ohhh April your son is so cute..i can't believe that you are a mommy are so cool..then days later she stopped talking to me and did what she did best, and that was ignoring me. I figured she only wanted to see if my baby was cute or not so she can have something new to talk about me. But i can careless now...i will just be the bigger person and let it she has no friends and is using this certain someone as a so called friend to make her happy...

Lately i have been so lonely and husband doesn't always get what i mean and how i feel...he is a guy and i don't expect him either, just sometime he isn't always the best supporter...